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Creating Business Tone in Email Communications

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Read the following e-mail message and then (1) Analyze the strengths and weaknesses of each sentence and (2) revise the message so that it follows the proper guidelines of writing a business email message. The message was written by the marketing manager of an online retailer of baby-related products in the hope of becoming a retail outlet for Inglesina strollers and high chairs. As a manufacturer of stylish, top-quality products, Inglesina (based in Italy) is extremely selective about the retail outlets through which it allows its products to be sold.

Our e-tailing site, www.BestBabyGear.com, specializes in only the very best products for parents of newborns, infants, and toddlers. We constantly scour the world looking for products that are good enough and well-built enough and classy enough â?" good enough that is to take their place alongside the hundreds of other carefully selected products that adorn the pages of our award-winning website, www.bestbabygear.com. We aim for the fences every time we select a product to join this portfolio; we don't want to waste our time with onesey-twosey products that might sell a half dozen units per annum â?" no, we want every product to be a
top-drawer success, selling at least one hundred units per specific model per year in order to justify our expense and hassle factor in adding it to the abovementioned portfolio. After careful consideration, we thusly concluded that your Inglesina lines meet our needs and would therefore like to add it.

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Solution Summary

This solution helps to revise an email message so that it follows the proper guidelines for business writing. It is a message that was written by the marketing manager of an online retailer of baby-related products in the hope of becoming a retail outlet for Inglesina strollers and high chairs. As a manufacturer of stylish, top-quality products, Inglesina (based in Italy) is extremely selective about the retail outlets through which it allows its products to be sold.

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Here are some suggestions. I hope this helps. Good luck!

The email from BestBabyGear.com expresses the message to the vendor in a clumsy, wordy manner. The first sentence is good in that it identifies the company, as well as their website and vision. This is important information but it might be better suited further down the message. The second sentence, stating that they "constantly scour the world looking for products that are good enough and well-built enough and classy enough â?" good enough that is to take their place alongside the hundreds of other carefully selected products that adorn the pages of our award-winning website, www.bestbabygear.com" is too wordy. Although the sentence gives ...

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Sally Baldwin, Ed.D
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  • MSS, United States Sports Academy
  • Ed.D, Boise State University
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