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Business Communication: revise an email

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1st - Using correct business communication revise this email.
2nd - What are the strengths and weaknesses of the original document.

I am a new publisher with some really great books to sell. I saw your announcement in Publishers Weekly about the bookseller's show you're having this summer, and I think it's a great idea. Count me in, folks! I would like to get some space to show my books. I thought it would be a neat thing if I could do some live airbrushing on T-shirts to help promote my hot new title, T-Shirt Art. Before I got into publishing, I was an airbrush artist, and I could demonstrate my techniques. I've done hundreds of advertising illustrations and have been a sign painter all my life, so I'll also be promoting my other book, hot off the presses, How to Make Money in the Sign Painting Business.

I will be starting my PR campaign about May 2000 with ads in PW and some art trade papers, so my books should be well known by the time the show comes in August. In case you would like to use my appearance as part of your publicity, I have enclosed a biography and photo of myself.

P.S. Please let me know what it costs for booth space as soon as possible, so I can figure out whether I can afford to attend. Being a new publisher is mighty expensive!

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Hi there -

There are several issues that you can point out in your response and incorporate into a revised email:

1) The tone of this email is very folksy and casual. For example, the writer says "Count me in, folks!" and "neat thing". Can you think of a way the writer could communicate his interest and ideas in a more professional manner? While the current tone may be acceptable to some readers, a more professional manner is almost universally guaranteed to be experienced as more appropriate.

2) The writer also uses clichés such as "hot off the presses". Is this type of phrasing necessary? If he is trying ...

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